By Katie Gann
Mother’s Day – I used to never be “bothered” by this day – it always seemed like a routine holiday for me in that I would open my Mother’s Day card from my 6 year old son, call my mom and tell her that I loved her and then maybe take her out to lunch. Mother’s Day had always been a “happy” day – until last year.
During the summer of 2015, we found out we were expecting our 2nd child. A few months later, I walked into an ultrasound room excited to see the baby – when all of a sudden life changed. No heartbeat. Over the course of the next few days I was no longer pregnant and just like that it was over. I suddenly found myself in this deep, dark, and lonely place. I was a Christ-follower, now depressed and anxious and slowly drifting away from the promises of God that I had been brought up to believe. I avoided pregnant women as much as I could. I was jealous, bitter, angry, sad and hurting. I began to reach out to other women who shared their stories of loss with me and it helped to talk about it but still did not take the pain away.
A few months after the miscarriage, I was reminded of the story of Jesus and his disciples in the boat during the storm. The storm was so great that the boat was being crashed by the waves and where was Jesus? He was asleep. The disciples cried out for the Lord to save them and He asked them “Why are you afraid, you of little faith?” He got up, calmed the seas and left the disciples amazed that even the wind and the waves obeyed Him. I related to that story so much because I felt like the disciples – I’m screaming at Jesus in a panic state of mind to just “do something” to fix this hurt, to take this pain away, to calm this storm and it felt like Jesus was “asleep”.
We struggled to get pregnant again for many months and began to discuss infertility treatments. The more I tried to control my life and answer my own prayers of wanting another child, the more things seemed to spin out of control. I sat in my closet floor one night and cried like never before. There is beauty in the breakdown. There is beauty in embracing our brokenness and finally giving up in surrender to the One who can heal our hearts and completely restore our JOY.
During the breakdown, I finally realized what Jesus was doing thru this storm – He was changing my heart before giving me what I longed for…he was mending broken pieces of my heart and molding my heart to truly know and understand how WIDE, how HIGH, and how DEEP HIS love is for me. He was working on My stubborn, restless, anxious, depressed heart – and making my heart prepared to love the world more like HIM.
He broke my heart to mend it back together for His purpose. He used a tiny little life to rescue me. Even though I never got to hold that tiny life, I am thankful, so thankful for what that tiny little baby did for my heart and one day I will hold him and tell him that.
Looking back over the years somewhere along the way I realized that I had neglected how precious our Heavenly Father is – But I’ve found it now and let me tell you that the preciousness of Christ is indescribable. He is a good, good Father. Even when it hurts, He is good. On the darkest day in moments of heartbroken despair, He is still good. I finally found my life, my peace, and my joy when I stopped trying to figure it all out and just let God break me, change me, and restore my love for HIM.
Perhaps on this Mother’s Day you are heartbroken, hurting from a loss of a child, or hurting from waiting on a child that you long to have. What I would like to say to you is to fix your eyes on Jesus. While your heart breaks and the storms rage and it seems that waves will sink your boat – lock eyes with Jesus. Have faith – the wind and the waves obey Him. He hears every prayer, sees every tear and knows the desires of your heart.
So whether you are still waiting and longing for a child or hurting from the loss of a child this mother’s day, your waiting and your heartbreak is not meaningless….it is producing an eternal glory…..
“For this momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen, for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal” 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18
He is working on things you cannot see. Trust Him – Even when it hurts. He is in the waiting. He is in the stillness. He is with you in the season of sadness. He will never leave nor forsake you. Trust the unseen.
On April 2nd, 2017, God answered my prayer and blessed us with a beautiful baby girl. I look at her and am reminded of his promises. I am reminded of His constant, endless pursuit of me – underserving me. In the middle of the storm, his presence was real. I pray that all of you in the season of sadness or the season of waiting will feel his presence this Mother’s Day. May you find comfort in knowing that He is in constant pursuit of your heart and will one day turn your sorrow into Joy.
Just Be still – and know.